What I want in 2017

Happy new year, everyone! How was last night? I spent it with my family quietly at home. Unfortunately, people here in my town are very fond of fireworks, but the animals always suffer... My cat is very afraid of fireworks and I had to spend half an hour trying to calm him down. I always ask: if you can avoid it, do not use fireworks! Animals suffer and it's so sad.

Anyway, today I want to write about what I want in 2017. This will be a year ruled by Saturn and the beginning of a new astrological cycle. In the last cycle of Saturn occurred the French revolution, the independence of the United States, the incongruity of Minas... I'm thinking it will be a troubled time, but it is always possible to make progress in our lives, right?

So here are things I want to achieve in 2017:

1. Recover from anorexia nervosa

I no longer want to be controlled by food, calories, appearance, obsession. I am tired of living this way after years of suffering. I want to devote my energies to recover and live a full and healthy life, in which food is not my enemy, but an essential and intrinsic part of my life. This illness has taken a lot from me and almost killed me. I want to live fully, have energy to keep my brain active, love myself for what I can do. I want to be grateful for my body.

2. Pass the university entrance exam

I'm risking a lot of personal things on my journey to study psychology and I am challenging myself in many ways. Psychology is a face-to-face course, which is new and scary for me, but it's something I really want to do. My concentration has not been good, my intellectual skills seem limited by my malnutrition. Since the abuse, I have been afraid of being in the school environment, in classrooms, and my attempts to be in such environment have been not only unsuccessful, but also traumatic. However, studying psychology has become essential to me. It's something I need to feel happy and useful. I want to take the university entrance exam and I will prepare myself in the best way I can to go after my dream.

3. Make friends

I'm not a very sociable person when it comes to interacting "in real life"... I feel comfortable if I can communicate through writing and unfortunately this is not possible when I need to deal with people in the real world. For this reason, and for other reasons, I am a very isolated person and rarely see anyone other than my parents and siblings. However, the human being is a social animal. We need people, it's part of our nature. So in 2017 I want to try to get out of my comfort zone and make friends. I'm afraid people won't care about me and will think I'm weird, but I have to take the risk, right?

4. Do more of what makes me happy

That means devoting more time and passion to my hobbies. Writing is my oldest passion and I want to write more, write informative and useful articles, and also expose and explore my creativity. I also enjoy sewing and want to go back to practicing and making dresses that make me happy. I like to practice embroidery and I want to learn new ways to embroider. These are little things that make me happy and relaxed. I also want to try and make music again, as I really miss it. I miss having creative ways to express myself and how I feel. Also, I want to study Japanese more and maybe take the JLPT exam in December.

5. Do something new

It's easy to get bored and give up old hobbies. I want to try something new, even if it's not something lasting. Maybe go to a library (I've never been to a library!) or find a new cafe? Or even learning a new language or taking piano lessons! It doesn't matter, as long as it's new and exciting. As a personal adventure that I can be proud of.

6. Become an actual mental health activist

I still don't know how to do it, and there is still a lot I don't know. But the fact is that I want to make some noise the way I can. I want to feel that I am being part of a paradigm shift. It is important for me to devote myself to a cause that has personal meaning to me. I would also like to become an activist for the legalization of home schooling in Brazil.

7. Finish my novel and publish it

In November of 2015, after my suicide attempt, I began to write a novel. Back then, it was called "Helen". After a few changes, it's called "O Grande Amor de Miss Burbridge" (literally The Great Love of Miss Burbridge, but I would translate it as Miss Burbridge's Lover). Despite the title, it's a tragic and complex story in which the two protagonists are mentally ill and are antagonistic of themselves. It's an important project for me and I wish to conclude it.

What do you want to achieve em 2017?

Achievements I have made in 2016

2016 was, without a doubt, a strange year for everyone and in many ways. According to the Chinese, it's the year of the Fire Monkey. Imagine an agitated monkey, messing around and having fun with the turmoil. In short, a year of change (think of a phoenix, which dies in the form of fire and rises from the ashes – we have Fire until 2018, a period of many changes, wildness, conflicts, closures).

2016 was, for me, a year of radical changes. Until March, I was sinking more and more into anorexia nervosa, having psychotic outbreaks, hiding like a pet cat under the bed. Earlier in the year, I was desperate and out of control. I tried to kill myself in front of my mom because she refused to take me to the doctor. I almost got hit twice trying to go to the doctor alone. I was paranoid, quite believing that my family wanted to see me destroyed and dead.

But things have changed. Since March, my life has turned upside down and finally the pieces have begun to fall into place. Here are some of my achievements:

1. I went to the hospital and was finally diagnosed with anorexia nervosa

I count this as an achievement because it was a long and time-consuming process. My family refused to offer me help for many years, refusing to take me to the hospital despite weight loss and refusal to eat. They found excuses and said that I was "naturally skinny" or that I was being dramatic. With this, I weighed 38 kg, even being a 165cm tall adult woman coming from a large family of people of average weight. Finally having the diagnosis meant that I had survived the struggle that was to ask for help and be constantly neglected. I knew I was sick and I didn't give up until I got the help that I needed.

2. I began my recovery from anorexia nervosa

I was finally referred to the Holy House of Mercy's treatment center, where I began seeing a team every week. I see a psychiatrist and an endocrinologist once a month, and a therapist and a dietitian every week. With that, I began to learn about my illness and learned that it was necessary to be honest and trust my team. I was able to talk about the sexual abuse during my teenage years and be honest about how my relationship with my mom influenced my disorder. I had to get out of the cocoon of paranoia (and honestly I only managed to do that because I was already on antipsychotics) and the fear of being attacked. In addition to that, through my anorexia recovery, I also found out that I have bipolar disorder.

3. I began my university study

I am a former high school drop-out. Actually, I dropped out of high school four times in six years. I had panic attacks every single day, when I went to school. At times I even pissed my pants when walking in. I couldn't stop crying, and I couldn't breathe. The reason is because I was abused by a classmate in 2009, when I was 15 years-old. I was a straight-A student, but after years of bullying and threats, that was the final drop for me. Every time I went back to school, I would be overwhelmed by fear and the memories were too heavy to endure. Because of that, I never thought I could graduate. I never thought I'd go to university, but I did. Through my own effort and despite all the odds, I went to university.

4. I dropped out of university

However, there came a time when I began to question my goals and what I wanted out of my life. Did I really want to be inside the educational system that destroyed me? Did I really want to be a part of it? Was it healthy for me? Would I be able to bear it? The answer was clearer and clearer... and I had to reconsider. In addition to that, my recovery from anorexia nervosa was becoming increasingly draining and the effects of the meds were so hard to handle that I couldn't focus on my study at all. Dropping out of university was probably the most sensible choice I made this year. Putting my mental health above my studies and admitting that I was going through a process of change was extremely difficult, but I believe it was the right thing to do and I am proud of myself for being able to deal with the consequences.

5. I got back to talking to my sister

One of the things that changed when I was diagnosed with anorexia was my relationship with my family. It wasn't an immediate change, it took time, but it happened. While my relation with my mother is still far from ideal, and despite my family often making comments that don't help me at all, our relationship has certainly improved a lot. I used to resent my sister, for many, many years, because she was "the perfect child". She graduated from high school, she went to university, she's not a lesbian like me, she did not get involved in problems in school, didn't attempt suicide. She did everything right and I did everything wrong. I thought she hated me and I hated her. But this year, with my diagnosis and my aunt's passing, we slowly began to rediscover each other's company, making the best of hard times.

6. I actually made phone calls

Phone calls scare the shit out of me. I used to panic every time I tried to make a phone call, even if I had to call my parents. My family made a lot of harmful comments about it, which only made it worse. But after I began my treatment and taking my meds, I managed to keep things under control and actually called my university twice and I'm proud of that.

7. I began interacting more and isolating less

For more than six years, I was increasingly isolated. Although from times to times I had my activities as a musician, that forced me to interact with band mates and others, generally I was constantly alone in my private world and avoided talking to anyone. I couldn't trust people and all my friendships ended either because I was too aggressive when manic or too miserable when depressed. People couldn't bear me, and I couldn't trust anyone. I have been living in a world of my own for so long, that I find it difficult to interact with anyone. But this year, with therapy and meds, I began taking baby steps towards change. I tried to talk to the other girls at the hospital more than once, talked to strangers on the bus, made new friends on the Internet. I'm trying to talk to people and stop hiding, stop believing that no one could care for me. There will always be someone to talk to, someone who cares.

2016 was a difficult year in many ways, but overall, I made progress in areas of my life that were on standby for many years. This makes me happy, because it makes me think that I finally came back to live, I'm back moving towards the future. This makes me happy because it made me see that the limitations that I believed to have actually do not exist. And it is in this spirit that I want to get to 2017, remembering that nothing that hurts is permanent.

Introduction

Hi there! My name is Débora and I'm a 22-year-old girl from a sleepy town in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. Despite this, I want to write here in English because I feel it's easier to communicate this way. I'm a former student of Literature in Portuguese Language, and my dream was to become a teacher. I had difficulties at school because of my personality and creativity, and I thought, "I want to help people like me!" But recently I have changed my mind.

Well, I still want to help people like me. I still want to be the change that I want to see in the world. I still want to help, teach, show different ways of expanding boundaries and accepting oneself. However, when I was diagnosed bipolar earlier this year, I discovered a new passion: neuroscience. I have been reading material on bipolar disorders and I've taken a free online Neuroscience course from Harvard University out of curiosity. And I loved it!

In addition to that, I also suffer from anorexia nervosa and am currently recovering. It was getting increasingly difficult to focus on my university studies while I continued to recover, so I dropped out of university. I had time to think and decide what I want to do with my future. Therefore, I am planning to take the college entrance exam one more time in 2017, aiming for Psychology! The exam will be in October and I have until then to prepare.

I suffer from a number of other mental health problems, like recently diagnosed kleptomania and excoriation disorder, self-harm and panic disorder. I'm not good at social interactions and most of my communication takes place via writing. By the way, I write a whole lot. My biggest dream in childhood was to publish a book, and I hope to achieve it as soon as I finish writing one of the two novels I'm working on! I'm not sure which one I'll finish first...

What else can I say? I live with my mom, my dad, my older sister and younger brother. I also have an older brother who lives in another state, so we are a big family! I have an one-eyed cat that was rescued by my family after being attacked by dogs on the street, and I have once considered studying Veterinary Medicine, because I grew up in a nearby rural town and cared for many animals. Sometimes I dress in a strange way, in a style called lolita fashion. I love clothes inspired by Rococo period and Victorian era. My hobbies include embroidering, sewing, reading, and learning languages. I can speak Spanish and Japanese and am learning French!

On this blog, I want to share my recovery from my mental disorders, as well as some of my hobbies and studies. Maybe I'll also share excerpts that I cut from my novels as I continue to write and revise. I have a blog in Portuguese, especifically about my eating disorder recovery as well, which you can check out by clicking here. But I will write about anorexia nervosa here in English soon. And that's it! I hope it was not a boring blog post. :)